Too much information

black-gloves-59941_7751_optIs there any such thing, in a blog? I suppose it depends on what kind of blog we’re talking about.

I’m still trying to figure out what kind of blog I want this to be. I’ve just spent the better part of the past week reading a friend’s blog, completely unable to stop reading the next entry, and the next entry, and the next… She’s having a very interesting life, is brutally honest, and knows how to tell a story – the best combination in the world. And I got to thinking, I need to tell more of those kinds of stories here.

What am I so shy about? That my friends will read it? Generally, when I’m hanging out with people, I’ll tell any kind of story that pops into my head. I’ve gotten a little more circumspect in recent years, but that’s more because I want to tell new stories, and most of the more titillating stuff happened a long time ago. Also, I don’t want to sound like I’m showing off. I don’t think there’s anything special or better about me, I just like to tell stories and think about life. And anyway, I can introduce you to a dozen people who are way cooler than I’ll ever be.

Part of this is coming up because there’s a book being published in the fall. It’s a collection of essays and art from a magazine that ran for about ten years, called Morbid Curiosity. A friend of mine ran it and was kind enough to publish a couple of my essays in it, and one of those made the cut for the book. I’m excited about it, and happy for her and everyone else, but… this essay, written under my real name, is about me getting off in the torture museum in Amsterdam. In the bathroom. By myself. So, not only am I telling the world that I’m kinky, I’m also advertising a time when I masturbated in public. When I decided to use my real name on the piece, I thought, fuck it. I’m not ashamed of who I am.

And I’m still not. So what’s the fucking problem?

I’ll tell you what the fucking problem is. Along with all the fun stories I want to tell – like the camel trek in Egypt, flying in a helicopter over a glacier in Alaska, having sex next to the dance floor in a London nightclub – there’s a whole lot of fucked up stuff. I don’t know if I’ve told you this before, but I’m kind of fucked up. And I’m still figuring out how to deal with that.

I can’t tell the fun stories without telling the fucked up stories. In fact, a lot of the fun stories turn into the fucked up stories. But if it’s all attached, even obliquely, to my real name – and I’m laughing as I type this – will it prevent me from getting a job someday?

Maybe it’ll get me a job someday. That’s the life I want to be leading.

I’m not too worried about my family. My sister would take it all in stride, and my niece and nephew are both cool and over 18. My father would probably just ignore it, if he ever heard about my blog or any book I’m in, which is unlikely (I’m sure not going to tell him). And the extended family is not really a factor.

The reason I used my real name on that story is because I wanted to commit myself to being who I am, no matter what that means. Now I look back at myself 10 plus years ago with affection and exasperation. Can I really follow through? Can I really be that brave?

I haven’t written anything here that isn’t real. And I still want to talk a lot about this Zen thing. I just don’t see how I can have a really kick-ass blog if I don’t risk letting out too much information. Besides, people love that stuff.

I’m going to take the gloves off. You’ve been warned.

This post is dedicated to Jenn H. I love you!

4 Responses to “Too much information”

  1. absurdbeats Says:

    Heh.

    I won’t promise that I’ll follow/compete with you on the whole TMI thing (not least because most of my stories are boring).

    But. You have inspired me.

  2. soundofrain Says:

    Yay! Btw, I haven’t heard a boring story from you yet.

  3. Shanghai Slim Says:

    “I’m going to take the gloves off. You’ve been warned.”

    Whew, thanks for the warning! I feel like maybe I should be donning some protective gear, maybe a wetsuit! 😉

    Seriously, I have always admired the keenness of your insight and your fearlessness in investigating, analyzing – even embracing – that which many would rather avoid. So no surprise that the same gusto should also characterize your inward observations.

  4. Jenn H Says:

    I’m so late, and, thusly, lame! But… I love you, too! Absolutely one of my favoritest people in the world. I still have a photo of you embarking on a camel ride from years ago. Truly inspirational. You’re a risk taker, lady, & utterly charming so go for it!

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